Coder's Corner - SantaAnnaNews.com

James Pelton's News for and about folks from Santa Anna Texas

Coder's Corner

This page of SantaAnnaNews.com is one that features the inspirational and humorous writings of my Mom's brother and my Uncle Robert (Bob) Coder.

My Uncle Robert and his wife Lenora live in Allen, Texas where they are retired. They have done missionary work in Zimbabwe since retiring and Uncle Robert has also written for Baptist organizations and Mature Living magazine.

Bob & Lenora Coder


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 17

 

 

Define Line of Marriage

          love: A groping disease for which there is no known cure.

          kiss: A delightful way of conversing without words.

          bride: a wedding belle with a special ring.

          groom: A drip in the sea of matrimony.

          honeymoon: From Here to Maternity.

          marriage: A union contract.

          marriage altar: Hitching post.

          honeymoon house: Where the bride and broom stay.

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In Memoriam

 

                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                                             o

                                                              o

                                                               o

                                                              o

These bubbles mark where

Old Ollie Frank sank.

His boat got tipsy

When Ollie Frank drank.

 

 

The darkest day in a person’s life is when she or he begins to plot ways to acquire money without working for it.

 

These days, you’d better stand strait, watch what you say, and smile.  You’re probably on someone’s video camera.

 

Famous Last Words

Holdup victim to stickup man:  “Don’t I know you?

 

Have you noticed that Easy Street is not on the map?

 

Atheists will have only themselves to blame for their circumstances in the hereafter.

 

Puppy Love?

“Isn’t he cute? Can we take him home?”

The children insist that they need him.

But when the puppy is theirs and it’s supper time,

You can guess who gets to feed him.

 

Friend or Foe??

When friends stop by, my “watch” dog barks,

And growls, and bears teeth like a shark’s.

But to a stranger, he’ll never fail

To sidle up with wagging tail.

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How’s Business?

                electrician:  “Light.”

                veterinarian:  “Going to the dogs.”

                sculptor:  “Shaping up.”

                photographer:  “Clicking along.”

                robber:  “Holding up.”

                geologist:  “At rock bottom.”

                elevator operator:  “It has its ups and downs.”

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Curious Thoughts

Ø    Who does a doctor see when he’s sick?

Ø    Why does such a small world need so much money to run it?

Ø    Are you still a citizen if you do not pay taxes or vote?

Ø    Are you still a salesman if you never sell anything?

Ø    Why is there no synonym for synonym?

Ø    Do lightning bugs use AC or DC power?

Ø    Why do men fight for freedom and then make laws to take it away?

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Queen’s Courtier

I am king o’er the castle every day,

Provided, of course, that my wife is away;

But, when she is there, I must admit

That my crown of authority slips a bit.

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It’s time to retire when you have all the money you need to live happily ever after.


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 16

 

 

Fore!

 

Quoted        golf:  A game in which a ball one-and-a-half inches in diameter is placed on a ball 8,000 miles in diameter.  The object is to hit the small ball but not the larger.

                                                                                    --John Cunningham

 

            foursome:  Tee party.

          golf bag:  Sales kit.

          teetotaler:  A fellow who’d rather play golf than drink.

 

Quoted        Golf is what men do to relax when they’re too tired to mow the lawn.

                                                                   --Vesta M. Kelley

 

                   Nothing handicaps a golfer so severely as honesty.

 

 

What’s Up, Robin?

I shot an arrow into the air.

It came back down, I know not where.

It didn’t come down, I theorize,

But is stuck up there in the smog-filled skies.

 

Candid Subject

Take a snapshot of me anytime that you please.

Hold the camera firm and steady.

But have a heart and don’t say, “Cheese!”

Until you and the camera are ready.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you have money to burn, you can always find someone around to fan the flames.

 

A miser isn’t much fun to have around, but I wouldn’t mind having one as an ancestor.

 

My wife and I have learned to make ends meet. She gets whatever she needs, and then I get whatever’s left over.

 

The girl who puts off marrying until the boy can support her isn’t very much in love.

 

How’s Business?

vending machine operator: “Sluggish.”

doctor:  “Not well.”

tie salesman: “Knot bad.”

chimney sweep:  Soots me.”

bus driver:  “All stop and go.”

novelist:  “That’s another story.”

barber:  “Clipping along.”

spy:  “That’s my little secret.”

pollster:  “That’s my question.”

comedian:  “It’s a laugh.”

astronaut:  “Out of this world!”

 

Pros and Cons

All those clever gadgets sold

Through professional demonstrations

Never work the same at home

In amateur situations.

 

Safety First

A woman tends to drive with care,

Avoiding risky capers.

She’s afraid she’ll have an accident,

And they’ll reveal her age in the papers.

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During her teens, a girl needs good parents.  In college, she needs a congenial personality. After that, she just need cash.

 

When you help someone else climb a hill, you too ascend to the top.

BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 15

 

 

Grandparents

Just about the time parents stop waiting up for their teenage children to come home, they become babysitters with their grandchildren waiting up for their adult children to come home.

 

Switcheroo

If only we’d known

Before we’d begun

That our children’s children

Would be so much fun,

We would have arranged

For an order reversed

So that we could enjoy

Our grandchildren first!

 

If your grandchildren can operate all those computers and electronic gadgets, it seems reasonable to believe that they can manage their grandparents too.

 

Springboard

Laughing and bouncing

Heels over head,

The kids have discovered

Grandmother’s bed.

 

Now wouldn’t it be nice if all your grandchildren behaved as well as you remember doing at their age?

 

…And ‘Round We Go

The world is mad up of all kinds of folks.

Some are big wheels and some are just spokes.

There are winners and losers and some are just learning,

But it takes them all to keep the world turning.

 

The bad thing about coming home from a vacation is that after you settle down, you must settle up.

 

Going with the flow is what makes rivers—and men—crooked.

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Some Days

·Some days you’re the dog.  Some days you’re the fire hydrant.

·Some days you’re the early bird. Some days you’re the worm.

·Some days you’re sharp as a tack. Some days you sit on one.

·Some days you’re the star of the show. Some days you’re the ham.

·Some days you’re a rose.  Some days you’re a thorn in the flesh.

·Some days you’re a sturdy tree. Some days you’re the sap.

·Some days you’re the early bird. Some days you’re the worm.

·Some days you’re the grasshopper.  Some days you’re a spot on the windshield.

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Fame and fortune await the inventor of any device that is low in cost, habit forming, and tax-deductible.

 

Conscience is like a buzzing bee that makes you uneasy even when it doesn’t sting you.

 

Alphabetized Definitions

          abecedarian:  One who has advanced in educational skills beyond the first                       three letters of the alphabet.

          beginner:  A nervous novice.

          chaperone:  A square in the teeny bop circle.

          dictionary:  The only place the cart comes before the horse, divorce occurs                     before marriage, and success precedes work.

          echo:  A repeated (((sound))).

          female:  The feminine of e-mail.

          grouch:  One who spreads good cheer wherever he doesn’t go.

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Listen up, Hollywood.  A movie doesn’t have to be sin to be appreciated.

 

All of the news these days is bad.  Apparently, good news is no news.

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It’s good to get an education, even if you already know everything.

 

Expect surprises. Be in awe of miracles.

 

Quoted             I’m going to be happy today

                                Though the skies are cloudy and gray,

                                        No matter what comes my way,

                                                I’m going to be happy today.

                                                        --Ella Wheeler Wilcox


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 14

 

 

Before I retired, I worked in a large office.  I actually enjoyed my job and my fellow employees, but we were a crazy bunch.  I sometimes wanted to warn newcomers that:

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but why else would you take the job?

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but you’ve got to start somewhere.

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but welcome to the asylum anyway.

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but otherwise you’d better have a good psychiatrist.

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but you do have the right to be different.

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but why break the trend?

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but we do need someone to do the work.

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but you won’t understand the system otherwise.

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it is the place that writes your paycheck.

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but Management will train you.

 

Thrifty?

Some people save and put away

A little cash for a rainy day

While others spend it in a twinkle

Whenever it begins to sprinkle.

 

Poured In?

Her jeans are such a perfect fit,

You wonder how she’s going to sit.

 

Itching to Know

Why do mosquitoes buzz and whine?

The skin they bite is yours or mine.

********************************************************************************

                   Debt is a prison from which it is difficult to escape.

 

Those who go along with the crowd are soon lost in it.

 

Embellished Proverbs

·    A man’s home is his hassle.

·    Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry and they think you’re a wimp.

·    If at first you don’t succeed, you didn’t listen to your wife’s advice.

·    Money can’t buy happiness.  So what?  You couldn’t afford it anyway!

·    Make haste while the sun shines, but not in rush-hour traffic.

·    Money is the root of all financial success.

·    All’s well that ends.

 

One Side of the Story

Someone tell me if you know,

Why is one stocking not a hoe?

Additionally, for one who knows,

Is “cloe” the singular for clothes?

 

Passing Fancy

Lives there a man with soul so dead

Who, passing pretty young coed,

Has never turned his head and said,

“Mmmm, not bad!”?

 

 

If you don’t know that a woman’s work is never done, sir, you’re not listening.

 

Some of the magazines in the doctor’s office have been waiting there a long time too.

 

So long as men are attracted to women, the trap will be baited with cheesecake.

 

Ever Notice,,,

¼   that most senior citizens are making up now for those naps they wouldn’t take as a child?

¼   that a straight line is the shortest distance between a toddler and anything breakable?

¼   that a real estate agent can improve the looks of your home just by mentioning the cost of a new one?

¼   that a book never interrupts with a commercial?

¼   that diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but man gets stuck with the dog?

¼   that an oil well is an ugly structure…unless you own it?

¼   that no one jumps in to take credit when things go wrong?

 

Seasonal Verse

This I haven’t the slightest doubt of:

That snow is delightful to stay in out of,

And the summer sun may scorch a bit,

But you never have to shovel it.

 


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 13

 

There’s no need to worry about fire or flood ending the world. Long before that happens, technology will get you.

 

What we really need in our cities today is a course in defenseless driving.

 

A lot of college girls are majoring in boyology.

 

Poor Loser

The pounds I lose,

Alas and alack,

Quickly find

Their own way back.

 

Picture This

One thing that’s always worth a laugh

Is your driver’s license photograph.

 

Anytime you have a free night at home to watch TV, there will be either two good movies you have to choose from, or none.

 

If you are in the shower, you can be sure it is you for whom the bell tolls.

 

You need a vacation at home to recover from one on the road.

 

Would you say that…

¼   Adam and Eve were the first union to contend with Management?

¼   the executor of an estate has will power?

¼   a girl with an hour-glass figure has her sand in the right places?

¼   the objective of cloning is to have designer genes?

¼   hotel workers are the inn group?

¼   a couple with a joint bank account is check mated?

¼   organized crime is pay dirt?

 

Short Sighted

There are some baseball fans

Whose eyes are especially great.

They see better from the bleachers

Than the ump who’s behind the plate.

Unrepentant

After several tries,

The kids realized

That their cat didn’t want

To be baptized!

 

As a rule…

¼  the first one to see the light turn green is the second one in line.

¼  people who promise to stay “only a minute” have short memories.

¼  shortcuts suggested by other people turn out to be scenic routes.

¼  if you look guilty, you are.

¼  the dentist only asks if it hurts when you can’t answer.

¼  the winner doesn’t criticize the referee.

¼  the rainy day you saved for will come while you are on vacation.

¼  the one who snores will fall asleep first.

¼  the most fertile place to grow grass is a crack in your sidewalk.

¼  your best thoughts come after the conversation is over.

 

Surely there is a better way to start the day than with the clamor of an alarm clock.

 

With state-sponsored gambling, the land of opportunity has become the land of chance.

 

“Early to bed and early to rise” may have worked for Ben Franklin, but that was before television.

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Dinner Guests?

There is no garden anywhere

More fresh and tasty than mine.

It must be true, for every bug in town

Flies or crawls to my garden to dine.

 

Heavy Words

I once suggested to my wife

That dieting should be her way of life.

She promptly gave it to me straight

That my words carried little weight.-


Coder’s Corner Extra

NOD ON

 

It all started with EVE.  The first woman’s name was a palindrome.  My name, BOB, is a palindrome.  A palindrome is a word, phrase, or sentence that reads the same forward or backward, like the title of this article.  Other examples of palindromic names are ADA, NAN, LIL, OTTO, ANNA, and HANNAH.  Name wise, we’re a rare lot.  There just aren’t many palindromic names.  And many of those names, like mine, are really just nicknames.

But let’s get back to Eve.  Adam noticed her palindromic name.  He appropriately introduced himself, saying, “MADAM, I’M ADAM.” (In palindromic sentences, the spaces and punctuation are commonly ignored when reading backward.)  A later Bible story tells us about the first murderer, who was “CAIN, A MANIAC.”  Most good palindromic sentences are short and pointed, like the above examples, since longer sentences tend to make little sense.

Relatively speaking, MOM and DAD are palindromes, as are MUM and POP.  SIS is one, and so is BUB, if that’s what you call your brother—or any other obnoxious male you encounter.

What I find to be fun is to create palindromic pairs of words.  To do this, find a word that when spelled backward makes another standard English word; for example; TIME-EMIT, MAY-YAM, WARTS-STRAW, or REVEL-LEVER.  Below, I have listed several palindromic pairs of words and clues to help you identify the words.  See how many you can complete. 

 

              Clues                              Word                    Reversed

cooking utensil lid (example) POT                      TOP

boasting attire                                B_ _ _                   G_ _ _

half-related domestic animals          S_ _ _                             P_ _ _

celebrity rodents                            S_ _ _                             R_ _ _

eager aria singer                             A_ _ _                   D_ _ _

fish physician                                C_ _                      D_ _

underwater public transportation     S_ _                      B_ _

smooth understructures of ships     S_ _ _ _                K_ _ _ _

naked conflict                                R_ _                      W_ _

uncolorful poet                              D_ _ _                   B_ _ _

little bit naughty                    D_ _                      B_ _

cozy weapons                                S_ _ _                             G_ _ _

existing wickedness                        L_ _ _                   E_ _ _

intelligent streetcars                        S_ _ _ _                T_ _ _ _

train track fibber                            R_ _ _                  L_ _ _

money-gift storage place                 R_ _ _ _ _            D_ _ _ _ _

strained or fallen cakes or pies        S_ _ _ _ _ _ _       D_ _ _ _ _ _ _

kingly light beer                    R _ _ _ _              L_ _ _ _

prevents stains                               S_ _ _ _                S_ _ _ _

 

Answers to “NOD ON”

 

                  Clues                                        Word                            Reversed

cooking utensil lid                                        POT                             TOP

boasting attire                                              BRAG                          GARB        

half-related domestic animals                       STEP                           PETS

celebrity rodents                                          STAR                           RATS

eager aria singer                                          AVID                           DIVA

fish physician                                              COD                            DOC

underwater public transportation                   SUB                             BUS

smooth understructures of ships                    SLEEK                         KEELS

naked conflict                                              RAW                           WAR

uncolorful poet                                            DRAB                          BARD

little bit naughty                                           DAB                            BAD

cozy weapons                                             SNUG                          GUNS

existing wickedness                                     LIVE                            EVIL

intelligent streetcars                                     SMART                       TRAMS

train track fibber                                          RAIL                           LIAR

money-gift storage place                              REWARD                    DRAWER

strained or fallen cakes or pies                     STRESSED                  DESSERTS

kingly light beer                                           REGAL                        LAGER

prevents stains                                            STOPS                         SPOTS

 


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 12

 

 

Invention Idea Box

 

What this country needs is…

          …a transmission gear that will automatically shift the blame to someone else.

          …a taller hog for Americans to live higher off of.

          …a breakfast food that will give kids less energy.

          …an automatic choke for backseat drivers.

          …a washing machine that will keep pairs of socks together.

          …a mirror more considerate of aging people.

 

Generation Gape

In horror I note that fashion’s amiss

When a design for a gaudy teenager

Appears—not on a fanciful young miss,

But upon a golden-ager.

 

Shhh!

The baby crawls!

The baby creeps!

The baby bawls!

The baby sleeps.

 

Did you hear about the…

¼  The dermatologist who made a rash decision?

¼  the secretary who got fired because she was clock-eyed?

¼  the baker who made a lot of dough for loafing?

¼  the Italian eatery that won the Nobel Pizza Prize?

¼  the egg that heard a joke and cracked up?

¼  the meteorologist who quit his job because the weather didn’t agree with him?

¼  the cooking class student whose dog ate her homework?

¼  the Marine sergeant who was rotten to the corps?

¼  the farmer, behind on his tractor payments, who got a John Deere letter?

¼  the typewriter heiress who xxx’d out her husband?

 

New parents know when it’s time to get up.  It’s just after the baby has gone to sleep.

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The motives and methods of a woman befuddle the simple mind of a man.

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The stress nowadays may be on the youth, but the strain is still on the parents.

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What’s the Norm?

A question that’s driven me almost insane;

Another that gives me a scare:

Will the world ever get back to normal again?

Or is it already there?

 

Safety First

The lifeguard perches high in his chair

To look for danger everywhere,

But with bikini-clad girls in view,

Can his roving eye watch the ocean too?

 

Ecumenically Defined

To backslide, according to Webster, is “to lapse morally or in the practice of religion.”  A backslider, then, as the word is commonly used, is one who has been active in church at some time in the past, but no longer attends services.  Here are my definitions of a backslider:

Ø     One who thinks the church membership list will be used “when the roll is called up yonder.”

Ø     An ember which has fallen away from the fire and is slowly losing its glow.

Ø     A church member who leaves his pew vacant and sleeps at home instead.

Ø     One who can sleep without the somniferous effects of a sermon.

Ø     A baptized believer who has dried out.

Ø     A sinner who does not attend religious services and is therefore looked down upon by sinners who do.

 

Room for One More?

Ifeveryoneinthissubwaycar

Wouldkindlymoveupplease,

PerhapsIcouldfindalittlespace

IntowhichIcouldsqueeze.

 

Twilight

A sunset is radiant with color—

A miraculous display of light.

God knows how to get our attention

When He bids the world, “Goodnight.”


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 11

 

 

Animal Crackers

aardvark:  The first animal in line at the Ark when Noah handed out names.

zebra:  A horse with bar codes.

rhinoceros:  An obese unicorn.

anteater:  A beast that frequents picnics.

camel:  An equine that will take you on a bumpy ride.

dog:  A mobile home for fleas.

ground hog:  A creature that occupies half of two parking spaces in a parking lot.

rat:  A rodent that knows better than to get into the human race.

skunk:  An animal that airs its grievances.

rabbit:  A nibble-and-run gardener.

duck:  Any quack with a bill that is not a doctor.

 

Slow Burn

It angers me to get caught at a light

Behind some daydreaming fellow

Who sits while it’s green, then I must stop

As he sneaks through on yellow.

 

Deer Hart

Rose is or read,

Violets or blew.

If this past ewer spell cheque,

Ewe knead won that’s knew.

 

Occupational Adjustments

 

I used to be …

¼   an electrician, but I blew a fuse one day.

¼   a banker, but I lost interest.

¼   a cashier, but I couldn’t wait for payday.

¼   a meteorologist, but the weather didn’t agree with me.

¼   a third baseman, but my mind was out in left field.

¼   an executive, but I was downsized.

¼   a plumber, but I was sent back to the minor leaks.

¼   a kennel operator, but I lost my leash.

¼   a cook, but I was deranged.

¼   a far Eastern diplomat, but I got disoriented.

 

THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE

 

By the time you become financially able to eat what you want, your doctor has you on a diet.

 

It is difficult to stay on a diet when people around you aren’t.

 

It isn’t easy when you’re on a diet to keep your weight down and your spirits up.

 

Do or Diet

One point that I

Would like to stress

Is that you can’t eat more

If you want to weigh less.

 

Let a favorite dessert treat get on your mind and it will soon be on your conscience.

 

Some girls claim that they’re losing weight but don’t have the figures to prove it.

 

Nothing makes a woman age faster than having her friends discover her date of birth.

···········································

 

AGGIE JOKE

An A & M freshman sought advice from a senior:

          Freshman:  “I want to know how long girls should be courted.”

          Senior (with acquired wisdom):  “The same as short ones.”

 

If you never step on anyone’s toes, you’re not dancing.

 

Flower Power

A bouquet of roses

Will quickly wilt,

But it often erases

A man’s sense of guilt.

Quoted

This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  And now you know why.

                                                       -Anonymous


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 10

 

Murphy’s Law:  If anything can go wrong, it will.

Murphy’s Law with Coder’s Continuum:  If anything can go wrong, it will…and all at once.

 

Will You Be My Pun Pal?

 

pun:  A plague on words.

 

 · It’s so quiet in here you could hear a pun drop.

 · Don’t mess with me. I’m the fastest pun in the west.

 · Be careful when you point a pun.  It could be loaded.

 · To avoid serious effects, I use a pun gun.

 · If I keep this up, though, they may cancel my license to carry a pun.

 

Quoted:  A man entered a newspaper’s pun contest, sending ten different entries hoping that one would win.  As it turned out, however, no pun in ten did.

(Repeat that last phrase aloud, and think about what you are saying.)

 

 

Keeping Up

I live next door to the Joneses;

Now, please, I plead, dear Lord,

Stop my neighbors from buying

All those things I can’t afford.

···········································

Riddle Me This

 

Q.  What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

A.  They have the same middle name.

 

Q.  Why did the turtle cross the road?

A.  To get to the shell station.

 

Q.  Why should you avoid playing poker on a safari?

A.  Too many cheetahs.

 

“A” Definitions for Dummies

abnormal:  Deviating from the normal, with oneself as the standard for comparison.

abortion:  Retroactive birth control.

absent-minded:  The condition of a Frenchman who has suffered the effects of a guillotine.

accordion:  A foolish and annoying instrument which plays both ends against the middle.

acquiesce:  To say “yes” in three syllables.

actor:  A man who can do a bedroom scene with a beautiful actress and call it work.

adolescence:  A particular time in life when a boy’s biological interests change from frogs and snakes to girls.

agreeable:  Having superior taste, good judgment, prudent sensibility, and other high qualities of character not unlike my own.

 

VACATION TIME

 

Vacation is when you go on a pleasure hunt.

 

The trouble with going on vacation to get away from it all is that everyone else is there too.

 

Some people head to the mountains on vacation and some go to the beach, but most of us wind up in the hole.

 

Pleasure Cruise?

To the travel agent,

The couple’s words were these:

“Separate rooms, and separate ships,

And separate oceans, please.”

 

When we go on vacation, we want to leave all our troubles at home.  When we arrive at our destination, we usually find that our troubles are still with us, but we have left everything else at home.

 

It’s Over!

We were so excited and happy

When we left on a two-week vacation,

But getting home to our own bed

Was the time of real elation.

 

Stay at home and rest for your vacation.  Your friends and neighbors will know that you are practical, sensible, and broke!

 

The longer I live and the more problems I see in this troubled world, the more I realize—we’re not going to get out of this alive!


The Work Place

 

The average American receives more pay than a worker in any other country, but only a fraction of the amount he thinks he’s worth.

 

The problem where I work is that there are too many chiefs and not enough wampum.

 

The only people looking for hard work these days are the ones who pay for it.

 

Two hundred years ago, people who worked 15 hours a day were called slaves. Now, they’re called workaholics.

 

Employers are looking for two particular traits in an employee: those who are able to work, and those who are willing.

 

Status Indicator

 

It’s a rule of business entities,

A recognizable quirk:

The lower you are in the chain of command,

The more you’re missed when you’re absent from work.

 

           

Take short vacations from your job.  Maybe your employer won’t notice that he can get along without you.

 

The importance of your job is determined by whether you are requesting a raise or asking for a day off.

 

It’s tough on young people looking for work.  They can’t get a job without experience, and they can’t get experience without a job.

 

You can appreciate your job more if you imagine yourself without it.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Cure All

                                        I often complained of various ills.

                             Upon my desk sat bottles of pills.

                             But I no longer wheeze and cough,

                             My boss is wise—she won’t let me off.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

The good thing about starting at the bottom is that you can never drop below that level.

 

No one goes before his time—except when the boss leaves early.

 

I love my job.  It’s the work I don’t like.

 

Women must do twice as well as men to receive half the credit that men get for their achievements.  Fortunately, though, this is not too difficult to accomplish.

 

L  o  n   g       W  e  e  k  e  n   d   s

                                   

                                                Oh joy! Oh joy!

                                      Oh what a feat--

                                      If I could only discover

                                      How to make weekends meet.

 

 

Most people are willing to put in a good day’s work on their jobs, but expect a week’s pay for it.

 

Don’t be irreplaceable.  If you can’t be replaced, you will never get promoted.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Monday

 

                                                For the working person,

                                      It’s safe to say,

                                      After a weekend off

                                      Comes and awful day.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hard work never killed anyone, but it does make your body ache.

 

Now You See it, Now You Don’t

I held my paycheck

Ever so briefly.

It was divied out—

To creditors chiefly.

 

Blessed are those who fill the positions they occupy.


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 9

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our nation, the United States of America, born July 4, 1776 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

 

Strength Test

                                                Patriotic America

                                                Bows its back and bristles

                                                Whenever a hostile nation

                                                Flexes its nukes and missiles.

 

patriot: A loyal citizen who runs his flag up instead of running it down.

patriotism:  Collective pride.

patriotic:  Recognizing the superiority of the country which had the good sense to produce you.

 

Colorfast

                                      United we stand, divided we fall,

                                      All for one, one for all.

                                      Americans, whate’er you do,

                                      Support the old Red, White, and Blue.

 

In America today, we can say what we think…without thinking about what we say.

 

If the problems you face in America bother you, remember that it is still the only country in the world that almost no one wants to move away from.

 

Tis the Season

                                                It can’t be Santa,

                                                For it’s summer you know.

                                                It’s the weeds I hear

                                                Crying, “Hoe, hoe, hoe!”

 

Down Boy!

                                      It’s one of those unwritten laws

                                      That dirty dogs have friendly paws.

 

The anticipation of a vacation often turns out to be better that the real thing.

 

My kids would probably respect me more if I could tell them something about computers.

 

Fitting Names

 

                        If he…                                                             Call him…

*         Welcomes you at the front door                               Matt

*         Reminds you of a debt due                                               Bill

*         Is a moving man                                                               Van

*         Adds flavor to food                                                  Herb

*         Resides in a narrow, secluded valley                                 Glen

*         Frequently breaks things                                                   Buster

*         Has a short, flat haircut                                                     Butch

*         Is an uncle known for his patriotism                                   Sam

*         Helps determine your DNA                                                Gene

*         Has more money than you                                                Rich

 

Cross Chicken?

Why was the chicken crossing the road?

I haven’t the slightest notion.

But as a car sped by near to where it strode,

There was a flurry of poultry in motion.

 

Mrs. Murphy’s Husband’s Law

A rule that’s true both day and night,

I’ve know it all along,

Is: Half the time my wife is right—

The other half I’m wrong.

 

Passerby

When walking past a mirror fast,

I wondered, “Who was that I passed?”

I stopped, stepped back, and looked to see—

Oh, what a shock, the wretch was me!

 

Those jerks who pretend to know it all are a real aggravation to those of us who do.

 

You get a glimpse of eternity when you buy a new car on the installment plan.

 

You cannot smile on the outside without feeling good on the inside.


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 8

 

 

On June 30, my wife and I will celebrate our 39th wedding anniversary; therefore, our opening thoughts this week will be on wedding anniversaries.

 

Anniversary Verse

                                      As each new year of marriage we count,

                                      My dear, no truth is clearer:

                                      As the years that we’re together mount,

                                      Our memories grow dearer.

 

If a woman wants to surprise her husband on their anniversary, all she has to do is mention it.

 

Cool Celebration

Supper is cold,

My wife is hot.

Today’s our anniversary,

And I forgot!

©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©

If my wife is the better half, then what does that make me?

 

The best way to understand a woman is to love her so much it isn’t necessary to understand her.

 

Husbands, never have the conception that your aches and pains are as serious as your wife’s headaches.

©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©©

 

Definitive Vegetables

                        spinach: Imported Japanese seaweed.

                   Brussels sprouts: Cabbage grown by headshrinkers.

                   cucumber: A sober pickle.

 

The Spoiler

                                      Conscience is that tiny voice

                                      That tells us what we shouldn’t ought

                                      But usually we make our choice

                                      From knowing that we might get caught.

 

Wishful Thinking

I answered the knock

At my front door,

And there stood a bill collector.

I pushed a button

And away he flew

In my bill collector ejector.

 

Business Excuses (why they didn’t succeed):

          Geologist: “It wasn’t my fault.”

            Truck Driver: “Someone steered me wrong.”

            Baker: “I kneaded too much dough.”

            Doctor: “I was ill-advised.”

            Gambler: “The odds were against me.”

            Accountant: “I lost my balance.”

            Barber: “I had a bad-hair day.”

            Watchmaker: “There just wasn’t enough time.”

            Astronomer: “It wasn’t in the stars.”

            Veterinarian: “Everything went to the dogs.”

 

It comes Up Short

Abbrvtn is a dndy wy

To shrtn wht u wnt to sy.

It wrks jst fin n prntd wrd,

But spkn, it snds quite absrd.

 

A person who will not listen to an active conscience must later deal with a retroactive one.

 

People, like fine furniture, sometimes reveal more character and value in later life.

 

Have you noticed,,,?

·        You can never convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

·        After you go over the hill, life zips by on the downside.

·        It’s no big deal whether you win or lose…until you lose.

·        After you give the crib away is when your sister gets pregnant.

·        People demonstrating athletic equipment never look like they need it.

·        Kids who won’t be still for a snapshot stand perfectly still for the video camera.

·        All the people who favor birth control have already been born.


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 7

 

 

The best way to avoid smashing your thumb with a hammer is to hold on to the handle with both hands.

 

Keeping up with the Joneses is one thing.  But passing them on a hill is risky.

 

It is my firm belief that seat belts are more comfortable than stretchers.

 

Definitions for the Electronic Age

 

          television:  Man’s effort to get something out of a vacuum.

          choice TV hour:  Crime time.

          TV commercial:  Sellevision.

          music lover:  Stereo type.

 

 

If your mother had known that you would…

¼   be so forthright, she would have named you Frank.

¼   have kisses sweeter that wine, she would have named you Sherry.

¼   be a man of such good fortune, she would have named you Lucky.

¼   be such a morning person, she would have named you Dawn.

¼   stay forever young, she would have named you Babe.

 

Budget Dining

                                                To market, to market,

                                                To buy a fine roast.

                                                Home again, home again,

                                                For chipped beef on toast.

 

One Defect

                                      An automobile is a work of art

                                      Assembled with care, part by part,

                                      Built strong and safe with tempered steel—

                                      Except for that nut behind the wheel.

___________________________________________________

Drive not as if you owned the road, but as if you owned the car.

 

Fair Assumption

Quoted                              Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

                                          Who’s the fairest of them all?

                                          Golly, gee, it must be me,

                                          For I’m the only one I see!

          --Author Unknown

 

Another Fair Assumption

Original                          Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

                                      How may I be fairest of all?

                                      I think I know, but confirm my suspicion—

                                      Must I suffer malnutrition?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Escape Hatch?

You can get into a lot of trouble by being right at the wrong time.  But you can often get out of trouble by being wrong at the right time.

                                                *        *        *        *

Speed Zone

After passing 90, your chances of going much farther in life are slim…especially if the 90 is on your speedometer.

 

Quoted  (I learned this verse as a teenager and am reminded of it every time I am tempted to insist on my right of way)

Epitaph

                                       Here lies the body of William Jay

                                      Who died defending his right of way.

                                      He was right—dead right—as he sped along,

                                      But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong.

                                                          --Author Unknown

 

There are more tourist sites to go to theses days, but fewer reasons to go there.

 

If you want to be a real statesman, spend less time in the library studying the great philosophers and more time on the bus with people.

 

 

Quoted                 In our Father’s house are many mansions.

                                       I hope yours is close to mine.

                                                 --Author Unknown


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 6

 

 

As A Rule

 

The people who have the gold make the rules.

Any system will work provided that the people behind it do.

Praise improves a person’s sense of hearing.

Success causes the head to swell and the heart to shrink.

Pretending to be rich will only make you poorer.

You can’t watch the clock and the boss at the same time.

 

 

You don’t know what you don’t know until someone tells you.

 

The cost of living is always the same—a little more than you can afford.

 

What’s that again?

·       Have you ever seen a walking stick?

·       Have you ever watched an orange bowl?

·       Have you ever heard a dog whistle?

·       Have you ever had a soda pop?

·       Have you ever followed a shopping cart?

·       Have you ever been embarrassed to see a salad dressing?

 

Up and At ‘Em

                                                Early to bed.

                                                Early to rise.

                                                Fix your own breakfast,

                                                Mr. Bright Eyes!

 

A man may spend endless hours on the job trying to build a better mousetrap when all the while his wife is out trying to make a better match.

                                                *        *        *        *

There are some rights worth dying for.  Your right of way is probably not one of them.

 

Indebted

In order for us to keep up with the Joneses,

We must take out too many new loanses.

 

Careful Driver

                        I never drive faster than I ought.

                             The reason, of course…I’m the one who’ll get caught.

 

 

Old Soldiers

General Douglas MacArthur of World War II fame commented that, “Old soldiers never die. They just fade away.”  Here are some spin-offs of that famous saying:

 

Old bankers never die.  They just lose interest.

Old politicians never die.  They just run out of gas.

Old magicians never die.  They just become disillusioned.

Old taxi drivers never die.  They just don’t fare well.

Old meter maids never die.  Their time just expires.

Old poker players never die.  They just throw in their chips.

Old preachers never die.  They just miss their calling.

     

 

Sticky Manners

                                        Try eating peas with honey.

                                         I’ve done it all my life.

                                        Although they do taste funny,

                                        The peas stay on your knife.

 

All of the bargains you find while shopping will be things you don’t need, can’t afford, of just bought at a higher price.

 

Nostalgia is what let’s us recall the taste of fresh country butter without remembering the drudgery of churning it.

 

There is one small advantage to being underprivileged.  Poor people are never kidnapped and held for ransom.

 

Quoted                Kind hearts are the gardens,

                                      Kind thoughts are the roots,

                                                Kind words are the flowers

                                                          Kind deeds are the fruits.

                                                                   --Author Unknown


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 5

 

 

Cycling Through the Ages

 

It all started at about three years old when he got his first tricycle.

Later, as an adolescent with complete confidence, he graduated to a bicycle.

Then, as a middle-aged adult, with no doubt he would succeed, he tried a unicycle.

Finally, after the doctors patched him up, he knew that it was time to recycle.

 

No Way!

                             Some scientists say that humans came

                             From monkeys, but I doubt it.

                             Perchance our ancestors are the same,

                             But the monkeys sure don’t brag about it.

 

Interesting Questions

Ø    How does such a small world stir up so much trouble?

Ø    How many fig leaves did Eve try on before she said, “I’ll take this one”?

Ø    Why do generals have private restrooms and privates don’t?

Ø    What do butterflies get when they are nervous?

Ø    Why are narrow-minded people so thick headed?

Ø    Why do we need thousands of laws to enforce the Ten Commandments?

 

Gardening Strategy

                                      To cultivate a garden

                                      Requires much time and labor.

                                      It’s better to have a garden next door

                                      And cultivate your neighbor.

 

Debits and Credits

·          No one pays cash these days but the Tooth Fairy.

·          Everyone knows that money can’t buy happiness.  But you could charge it!

·          One of the things money can’t buy is what it used to.

·          Credit cards is a game at which nobody wins but the dealers.

·          If I accept all the credit-card offers I receive through the mail, I’ll soon have a full deck.

·          Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses.  Their credit is probably overextended.

·          One way to get back on your feet is to miss a few payments on your car.

 

Fatal diseases are responsible for killing more people than any other kind.

Mail Call!

 

I sometimes think that the world is moving too fast.  Then I go to the Post Office.

 

Would you say that Post Office employees have mail egos?

 

Bill Bored

                                      This morning the mailman stopped by,

                                      And anxiously waiting was I

                                      For a friendly letter full of love and good will,

                                      But what did I get?  Just an overdue bill.

 

If all of the junk mail we receive was diverted to the deepest part of the ocean, that would be a lovely idea.

 

Refinished Proverbs:

*         A journey of a thousand miles begins when you miss your freeway exit.

*         All things come to those who wait—except the repairman.

*         When in Rome, do as the Romans do—eat pizza.

*         Two heads are better than none.

*         A watched pot never boils over.

*         A fool and his money have many friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Cry of Dishtress

                             A crash was heard in the kitchen,

                             And mom cried out in distress.

                             “More dishes?” she asked of her children.

                             “No, mom,” sobbed the kids, “there are less.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quoted                As a tree falls, so must it lie;

                                      As a man lives, so must he die;

                                                As a man dies, so must he be;

                                                          All through the days of eternity.

                                                                   --Author Unknown


 

Stinky Notes

(You know, those bright little notes that stick to things)

 

 

 

The Gas Station

Service station restrooms are usually locked,

Whether used by women or men.

The reason is apparent when you open the door—

It’s to keep the odor locked in.

 

 

Just Rewards

This is a warning

To you, my friend,

Get too big for your britches,

And you’ll be exposed in the end.

 

 

Pigeons

It isn’t how they waddle,

Nor how they bill and coo.

It isn’t how they poke about,

But mostly what they doo.

 

 

Sin of the Pen

There once was a poet named Purser

Whose morals grew worser and worser.

And all that he penned

Was of how he had sinned,

So that now he is just a vice verser.

 

 

No Wagging Tale

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep,

But doesn’t want to find them.

The story is this:

She got a kiss

From the wolf who was lurking behind them.

 

 

           

Big Tease

An adventurous girl of Long Beach

Decided to strip at the beach.

The crowd was aghast

That this lady would da’st

Show her 300 pounds in the peach.

 

 

Stare Case

Mary wore a mini-skirt,

'Twas short beyond compare,

And everywhere that Mary went,

The boys were sure to stare.

 

 

The Outhouse

It is discommoding to know that the younger generations will never know the pleasure of sitting in an outhouse on a hot summer (or cold winter) day with nothing to read but what’s left of last year’s Sears Roebuck catalog.

 

 

Deflated

The right deacon Waller,

      In his stiffly-starched collar,

      Sat snug and content in his pew.

As he sat there, alas!

      He loudly passed gas,

      And now he’s less smug in his phew.


 

Don’t Laugh, It Could Be Verse

 

 

 

                Distorted Image

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

That’s not my image you’re portraying at all.

The person whose reflection I see

Is plain, not cuddly and cute like me.

 

            Facts and Figures

Here’s a fact that is certain and sure—

There’s no shadow of a doubt:

An hourglass figure is fashionable

Only till its time runs out.

 

     Unidentified Frying Object

The skillet was hot

      And ready for frying

When out of the blue,

      Something came flying.

It hit the hot oil,

      It sizzled and hissed.

Whatever it was,

      It will surely be missed.

 

      Appetite Suppressant

They say that the early bird

Gets the proverbial worm,

But personally I have no stomach

For foods that squiggle and squirm.

 

            No Eye Contact

I rarely see the pastor’s eyes,

Nor hear his message fine,

For when he prays, he closes his,

And when he preaches, mine.

 

     Tis the Season?

It can’t be Santa

For it’s summer you know.

It’s the weeds I hear

Crying, “Hoe, hoe, hoe!”

 

               Downsized

 

When you stand beside a person tall

It tends to make you feel quite small.

 

                 Pot Luck

The nervous witch was all ado.

She slipped and fell into her stew.

She stewed and stewed and stewed a lot.

Her end was there in her own pot.

 

            That’s Polygamy!

A man may have one wife, that’s all.

With two he is a bigamist.

But if some guy has three or more,

Should we call him a pigamist?

 

            Imagine This

Hi diddle, diddle,

The cat and the fiddle,

The dish ran away with the spoon.

It’s hard to believe

The rhymes we conceive,

Like a cow that can orbit the moon.


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 4

 

 

Allen, Texas, where I live, is a small town.  But it is part of the Dallas metroplex and has the lifestyle of a big city suburb.  Santa Anna, compared to Allen, is smaller and less citified.  But Santa Anna is large in comparison to the town described here:

 

     It’s a small town if…

          …where the roads cross is the city center.

          …there are no fast-food restaurants…or slow ones.

          …there’s no one to gossip with who isn’t who the gossip is about.

          …the phone book is handwritten.

          …the Baptist sits on the one side of the church, the Methodist sits on the other, and the Presbyterian preaches.

          …there’s no place to go that you shouldn’t.

          …all the news is delivered over the backyard fence.

          …there are plenty of parking spaces, but no reason to park there.

 

When a doctor is sick and goes to another doctor, should the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor being doctored the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or as the doctor doing the doctoring wants to doctor?

 

I never win at anything until it comes to dieting, then I can’t lose.

 

Quoted:  Never do your best.  It leaves no room for improvement.

                                                                   Anonymous

 

Letter Wise:  These little poems are written so that letters, numbers, or symbols represent words.  Read a single letter by its standard long sound; for example, B = “be” or “bee” and BB = “two bees,” or, bbbb might be read as “bees.”  Numbers and symbols are pronounced using their standard names.  With this explanation, try reading these:

 

U C ?

 

YY U R,

YY U B,

I C U R

YY 4 me.

            -Author Unknown. (I learned this as a teenager about 60 years ago.)

Emile

 

                                      I know that MLeeee a tttt,

                                      But she convinces me with eeee

                                      When she blinks those flirty iiii,

                                      And tells me I am O so yyyy.

 

Ellen

 

                                      O LN U have pretty iiii,

                                      O LN, U I idolize.

                                      4 U my © does always pine,

                                      O LN say U will B mine.

 

Elsie

 

                                      O LC, I’m in XTC.

                                      It’s in your arms I want 2 B.

                                      My ©, O LC, U have won.

                                      O how I wish us 2 B 1.

 

Defining Traits

 

pride:  The only thing you can swallow that doesn’t have calories.

 

ambition:  Exceleration.

 

inquisitive:  Discreetly nosy.

 

zeal:  The quality that wins out when ability plays out.

 

patience:  Wait control.

 

tireless:  Resisting a rest.

 

happiness:  Living in the pleasant tense.

 

 

A woman’s promise to be on time is nullified by any unforeseen circumstances that may arise.

 

Everyone responds to kindness.


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 3

 

A Tribute to Mothers

 

Sunday, May 14, is the day we observe to honor our cooks, housekeepers, nurses, taxi drivers, tutors, advisors, trainers, and personal attendants—otherwise know as mothers.

 

The Real Surprise is in the Kitchen

                                                Breakfast in bed?

                                                Oh, what a surprise!

                                                Two snickering children

                                                With bright, smiling eyes.

                                                Scrambled eggs and burnt toast

                                                On a sticky tray—

                                                It’s the kids’ way of saying,

                                                “Happy Mother’s Day!”                                            

 

Aptly Defined

            mother:  Chore leader.

            motherhood:  The brat race.

            childhood:  The basic training of life.

            child psychology:  The cunning methods children use to get their way.

 

Mothers. Where would we be without them?

 

OTHER-WISE?

                             They say that a wise man says little,

                             And that could be true, I suppose,

                             But for many I’ve seen, it may also mean

                             That he’s just told you all that he knows.

 

Any worker who constantly watches the clock will never become anything more than one of the hands.

 

Checks and Balances

Ø      People who claim to make ends meet either stretch their dollars…or the truth.

Ø      Some people go to the bank to withdraw all their money.  I just turn my piggy bank upside down and shake all my money out through the slot in the top.

Ø      Spend too much green and you’ll wind up in the red.

Ø      One of life’s greatest disappointments is to learn that the person who does the advertising for a bank is not the one who makes the loans.

Ø      You have to give credit to the young families of today.  They can’t live without it.

 

 

Theories on How to Raise Children

 

Policeman:  Encourage them to obey the rules.

Teacher:  Fill their heads with knowledge.

Librarian:  Give them a book to read.

Clown:  Give them something to laugh about.

Judge:  Teach them to be fair and just.

Mechanic:  Show them how to repair their lives after a breakdown.

Farmer:  Cultivate their minds.

Banker:  Teach them the value of money.

Attorney:  Defend them when they make a mistake.

Preacher:  Fill them with spiritual knowledge.

Nurse:  Patch their booboos with band aids.

Accountant:  Help them keep their lives in balance.

Coach:  Remind them to keep their goals in mind.

Maid:  Teach them to clean up their own messes.

Father:  All of the above.

Mother:  Love the little boogers with no strings attached.

 


Coder’s Corner Extra

Fictitious Towns Game

 

This is a game that anyone can play, alone or with a group, provided you know the states of the United States and some of their common abbreviations. It’s a fun way to pass time and would be great for a small social event.  To play, you simply use any abbreviation for the name of a state along with a town name of your own creation to come up with a fictitious new place name having a twist of some sort.  You may use either the two-digit Post Office Code or any of the standard abbreviations for state names.  Pronunciation, of course, may be skewed a bit for effect.  Here are some examples I have created to get you started:

 

          Low, Cal                Rin Tin, Tenn                   Barbieand, Ken

          Ding Dong, Del      Ilove, NY                         Hit, ME

          Big, Tex                 Cats, PA                         Bogus, ID

          Vita, Minn              Hee, Haw                        Wyowyo, WY

          Noahs, Ark             Fraught With, NV             Slo, MO

          Oohmpa, PA Grand, MA                       Ofcourseu, Kan

          Available, Miss       Moo, LA                          Em, NM

          Car, Wash             Hail, Mary                        Fall, IN

          Perfect, Tenn         Fountain, Penn                Imokur, OK

 

Get the idea?  Try it yourself.  As a variation, use country names rather than states; for example:  Cub Scout, Den (Denmark), Flu, Germ (Germany), CD, Rom (Romania), Whatsthe, S Kor (South Korea), or Tex, Mex (Mexico).


Marriage Can Be Fun

 

 

NOTE:  These are for fun.  While I make light of marriage, these quips are not necessarily true of my own marriage and probably not of yours.  Being able to laugh about it, though, makes marriage all the more enjoyable.

 

Marriage is like riding a unicycle.  It looks easy enough until you try it.

 

Marriage opens the eyes of those who fall blindly in love.

 

Some men would be perfectly content to remain bachelors, while women would rather knot.

 

Opposites Attract

 

                                                One person chooses silver,

                                                Another chooses gold.

                                                One likes the temperature hot,

                                                The other likes it cold.

                                                Down through the years.

                                                This truth has tarried:

                                                Invariably these two

                                                Will wind up married.

 

           

There are two matters that ought to be settled before marriage:  when the husband can play golf or go fishing, and how much the wife can spend at the hairdresser’s.

 

Give a man enough rope and he’ll skip.  Give a woman enough rope, and she’ll tie the knot.

 

Adam and Eve raised Cain, and marriage partners have been doing the same ever since.

 

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Bursting the Bubble

 

                                                Her smile when you were dating

                                                Of course was very sweet,

                                                But now it’s not so charming

                                                O’er a bowl of Shredded Wheat.

 

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A wedding ring serves the same purpose as a tourniquet—to stop the wearer’s circulation.

 

Marriage works much like the sign at a railroad crossing:  when you see a girl, you stop and look.  Then, after you marry her, you listen.

 

The trouble with marriage today is that couples marry for better or worse, but not forever.

 

Slip Knot?

                                   

                                    The marriage vows becomes adverse

                             When the bride and groom, enchanted,

                             Who took each other “for better or worse,”

                             Now take each other for granted.

 

 

Marriage is like the tango, except that in marriage it is usually the man who bends over backward.

 

Judging by the divorce rate, some couples who promised to love, honor, and obey didn’t understand the question.

 

To most people these days, the second honeymoon is the one that comes after the second marriage.

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Togetherness

                                                You may have noticed how it is

                                                That a marriage quickly sours

                                                When things that used to be hers or his

                                                Suddenly become ours.

 

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Love at first sight is not so remarkable.  What’s truly great is to still be in love after forty or fifty years together.


BC’s Notes and Quotes No. 2

 

Definitions for Dummies

 

scale:  A device you step on early in the morning to determine the mood you’re in.

delegation:  A subtle way of passing the buck.

television:  Watching machine.

innocence:  An air of undetected guilt.

egotist:  One who is always on an I-level with you.

ambition:  Esteem engine.

inquisitive:  Discreetly nosy.

 

Have you asked your doctor about those miracle drugs advertised on TV that instantly and miraculously cure whatever ails you?

 

The best way to make ends meet is to get off yours.

 

Simple Cure

                                                I was a hypochondriac,

                                                From simple cold to cardiac,

                                                But now I don’t pretend I’m ill—

                                                You see, I can’t afford the bill.

 

Man is a worm that squiggles along until some chick gets hold of him.

 

Most men will occasionally allow a woman to make them look foolish, but some prefer the do-it-yourself approach.

 

No boy wants to grow up to have as little common sense as his father.

 

Life’s Little Curiosities

Ø      If worry does no good, then why do the things we worry about seldom happen?

Ø      Why does no one ever put out a sign that says, “Friendly Dog”?

Ø      How does a one-pound box of candy make you gain two pounds?

Ø      Why does a woman who has nothing to wear need so much closet space?

Ø      Is eternity any nearer today than it was yesterday?

Ø      Do I. R. S. agents themselves ever get audited?

 

To my fellow senior citizens:  If you’re worried about having a poor memory…now, what was I saying?

Forget-Me-Not

 

                                    I tied a string around my finger,

                                    A reminder of who knows what,

                                    But days have passed, and I still don’t know

                                    What it was that I forgot.

 

Give the weather forecasters credit for something—they’ve disproved the theory that you will be right fifty percent of the time.

 

Temperature, humidity, pollen count, pollution factor…remember when you could just step out the back door, sniff the fresh country air, and know that it was going to be a nice day?  (Maybe you can still do that in Santa Anna, but not in the city.)

 

Parting Shot

There are five ways you can become a millionaire:  Earn it.  Inherit it. Steal it.  Sue for it in court.  Or win the lottery.  There is also a sixth way…in your dreams!


BC’S NOTES AND QUOTES NO. 1

 

 

Smile!  Your friends will wonder what you’re up to.

 

If at first you do succeed, try not to look so surprised.

 

                        Slap of the Tongue

Would you say that gossip is hint and run conversation?

 

Did you hear about

¼     the chimney sweep who wore a business soot?

¼     the baker who kneaded some dough?

¼     the geologist who had no faults?

¼     the accountant who lost his balance?

¼     the tailor who mended his ways?

 

Electronic gadgets confuse me. I’m still trying to understand how those old drug-store scales could tell your fortune.

 

            Money Hungry

If money really grew on trees

I’d move to the forest primeval.

I’d harvest all the “fruit” I could,

Then live off the “root of all evil.”

 

Speeding drivers are less likely to get hurt than the slow ones who get in their way.

 

One of the things I find hard to believe is a recorded message that says, “Your call is important to us.”

 

A Crash Course in Lexicography

        

         automobile: A clever contrivance to despoil the benefits of walking.

         speed limit:  ZIP code.

         toll road:  A coin-operated speedway.

         rush-hour traffic: Car wars.

         honk: To horn in.

         speed reading: A skill found useful when a police car pulls in behind you.

 

Talk is cheap because the supply is so much greater than the demand.

 

I used to be apathetic, but now I just don’t care.

 

Gravity is that mysterious power which prevents people from becoming angels.

 

 

AS A RULE:

-The people who have the gold make the rules.

-Any system will work provided that the people behind it do.

-Praise improves a person’s sense of hearing.

-Success causes the head to swell and the heart to shrink.

-Pretending to be rich will only make you poorer.

-You can’t watch the clock and the boss at the same time.

 

You don’t know what you don’t know until somebody tells you.

 

It takes the average human male a year of two to learn to talk, and forever after to learn when not to.

 

            The Electronic Age

 

Adult education, you will agree

Has finally gone too far

When kids must teach their parents how to operate

The family’s new VCR.

 

Somewhere out there is probably an unmarried female English teacher named Ms. Speller.

 

Quoted:                                 

                        Life is short

                                    Death is sure

                                                Sin the cause,

                                                            Christ the cure.

                                                                        --Author Unknown


Excerpts from the Files of a Taxpayer

 

Only in America can we so openly ridicule our government and its system of taxation.  We can do this because most of us know and understand that, with all its faults, the I. R. S. (Infernal Revenue Service) is generally one of the most fair and reasonable taxing agencies in the world.  With this understanding, here are a few light-hearted verses and quips from the files of the author, a taxpayer like you:

 

·         From one year to the next, we know the April 15 tax deadline is coming, but it still gets here sooner that we expected.

 

·         The only fair taxes are those that someone else has to pay.

 

·         Let’s not be too critical of the younger generation.  Becoming taxpayers will bring them back to reality.

 

·                                 You Figure

                  When income-tax time comes around

                  My spirits drag and droop,

                  For when figuring how much dough I owe,

                  I’m just an income poop.

 

·         The trouble with the government is that it has so many ways to spend money and only one way of getting it.

 

·         The folly of riches is made clear, first in the Bible and then on the income tax return.

 

·         People are living longer these days.  They have to in order to pay their taxes!

 

·         Drive carefully. There is already a shortage of taxpayers.

 

·                                                Taxed

                  Well, our income and outgo have been ascertained.

                  The losses and gains have all been explained.

                  Exemptions, withholdings, who’s been entertained,

                  Interest, expenses, such as are pertained.

                  Through all we’ve been patient—our wrath we’ve contained.

                  Records we’ve kept, receipts we’ve retained.

                  It’s a citizen’s duty, so we’ve not complained,

                  But our nerves and our pocketbook both have been strained.

                 

·         With April 15 so closely following April 1, it is no wonder that a fool and his money are soon parted.

 

·         Money gets around.  First the government makes it.  Then you earn it.  Then the government makes you give it back.

 

·         The I. R. S. changed my nest egg into a goose egg.

 

·                                 Take Notice

                        There’s a sign in the I. R. S. office

                        Near the door you pass through as you leave.

                        The warning suggests very tartly,

                        “It is better to give than deceive.”

 

·         It won’t cost anything to pay your income tax with a smile.  If that doesn’t work, however, you’ll have to use money.

 

·         I would gladly pay my taxes with a smile if the government didn’t insist on hard cash.

 

·         Everyone wants a slice of the American pie.  But please understand that the government cannot give to some people without first having taken from others.

 

·         It is better to have to pay taxes on your income than to have no income on which to pay taxes.

 

·                                 I Owe America!

                        My income tax is due again,

                        Which causes me much pain.

                        You see, I know I’ll have to pay—

                        But how?  With an I. O. U. S. A.?

 

·         The pleasure of living in a democratic society is that everyone can complain about the taxes. And most do.

 

·         Rest assured that, in America, we have full control over how we pay our taxes—by check, money order, or payroll deduction.

 

·         The taxpayer is likely America’s first natural resource to be completely exhausted.

 

·                                 Hidden Assets

                        You may be a person of untold wealth

                        And consider yourself a success,

                        But you can get into serious trouble

                        If you don’t tell the I. R. S.

 

·         .Your largest deduction for income tax purposes will likely be the one from your bank account.

 

·         As for income-tax refunds, never have so many waited so long for so little.

 

·         I’ll pay my U. S. income taxes.  It’s a small price to pay for the freedoms we enjoy!

 

·                                 Income Tax Question

                        One April 15th dank and dreary,

                        It was late and I was weary.

                        With a sigh I thrust my return down the mail slot,

                        But…did I sign the thing or not?


On Spring

Fresh Start

The rising sun awakes the day,
And sends the scent of spring my way.
As warmer breezes start to flow,
A daffodil peeks through the snow.
The birds begin their cheery song.
It’s time for Old Winter to move along.

Refreshing Work

Skies washed clear and dyed with blue,
Meadows mopped with glistening dew,
Clouds like giant pillows fluffed,
Bleached pure white and gently puffed.
Grass that sparkles bright and green,
Rain-washed breezes, fresh and clean,
Babbling brooks that swiftly flow,
Filled with newly-melted snow.
Of all this toil, what is the meaning?
It’s Mother Nature doing her spring cleaning.

The joy of spring is that it comes along just when it’s most needed.

Mixed Emotions

Ah, the precious smell of spring,
As weather warms and robins sing,
But then, with pause, I cry, “Alas!”
It’s time again to mow the grass.

‘Tis the Season

Spring, of course,
Has its pluses and minuses,
Most of which
Affect the sinuses.

You understand the enormous task of building a better world when you set out to do your spring cleaning.

Spring Fever

I feel lethargic
And lose my focus
When spring springs out
And out springs the crocus.

Showers of Blessings?

So lovely is spring as a season,
With its bright sunny days and brisk winds,
But for some mysterious reason,
Almost always it rains on weekends.

Spring, Sprang, Sprung

The seeds are sown,
The baskets hung,
The weeds, my back, And spring are sprung.

Unpredictable

We know, of course, spring will arrive
With her usual splash and splendor,
But it’s hard to predict her arrival time,
For she is of the feminine gender.


Simple Logic

It doesn’t take a psychologist to figure out why Robin Hood robbed only the rich. The poor had no money.

When crossing paths with someone larger than you, it is always wise to yield the right of weigh.

The best way to cure insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.

Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness probable doesn’t have either.

You can’t measure happiness by the amount of money one has. Someone with only five million dollars, for example, may be just as happy as someone who has ten million.

Great is the wisdom of the husband who thinks twice before he says nothing.

One of the best ways to keep peace in the house is for the husband to let his wife have her way sooner.

If your wife really loves you, you can entice her to do just about anything she wants to do.

A husband is fine-tuned when he really understands what his wife isn’t saying.

You can’t be the breadwinner if all you do is loaf.

There’s a foolproof way to reduce your income tax. Quit work.

The trouble with burning the candle at both ends is that eventually it gets hot in the middle.

Thrift is easy when you’re rich.

It isn’t a bargain if you have no money to buy it.

Laughter is contagious, but so are tears.

The item you can’t find will always be found in the last place you look. Of course it will be! After you find it, there’s no reason to look any further.

The best way to save money is to retreat rather than charge.

Politicians don’t have to fool all of the people—just the ones who vote.

It’s so depressing to see so many rich people spend so much money so wantonly, and know that you can’t help them.

If you drive fast enough, you may get where you’re going five minutes earlier…or several years earlier.

The best place to look for rain is under a cloud.

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